BeyoncÃ© And Jay Z In â€˜On the Run': The 10 Best Moments

September 21, 2014 // 11:15am

Months ago, when Beyoncé and Jay Z, the first couple of music, announced they would televise their On the Run concert, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I still hadn't gotten over the betrayal of her pretending to take it to church during her rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the Presidential Inauguration when, in actuality, she basically overslept and missed morning services aka she lip-synced the performance.

Yet on the other hand, I have a soft spot for Yoncé. So I watched the HBO concert like any good member of the BeyHive: by throwing on my skimpiest top and putting Vaseline on my chest, so it'd have a nice sheen like the glossy side of the poster board I'd use for my middle school science class presentations. And that Vaseline was not used in vain. On the Run is a concert experience unlike any other: its nearly three-hour run time is filled with a copious amount of chart-topping hits and features two acts arguably at the height of their powers both musically and culturally.

In short, this film is quite a feat, so let's break down On the Run by discussing the top ten moments.

At one point, the concert film paid homage to one of the most seminal parts of my Midwestern upbringing. During "Drunk in Love," Beyoncé sat in a chair while rotating on a pedestal like a rotisserie chicken at Boston Market and it took all the strength I had to restrain myself from instinctually opening a can of creamed corn to complete the non-existent meal I was having.

The concert film's intro seemed like it was spawned after Beyoncé and Jay Z took one bite of a croissant post-coitus and Jay went, "Yep!" That's right, a lot can be conveyed in one single Jay "Yep!" Such as "Cinnamon is the secret to really good spaghetti," or, "You know I hate being tickled," but mostly it connotes, "Let's make an intro that is somehow more twee than Zooey Deschanel AND more charming." Success!

All kidding aside, Beyoncé has a pretty good voice that, unfortunately, was not shown off as much on her current album as it had been on previous efforts. That's why it's such a treat for her to give the third best performance of the night with a medley of "If I Were a Boy" and a cover of Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor." Casting aside all the choreography and Sasha Fierce-ness, her passionate singing is her bread and butter. What's even more impressive is that she manages to do that while wearing a tailored and shortened version of the Missy Elliot trash bag "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)" outfit. I bow down.

As we all know, rumors of a separation due to Jay's cheating have been dogging the superstar couple for quite some time. Whether they are real or not, they certainly have inspired Beyoncé, especially in the recorded segment prior to the Solange-penned song "Why Don't You Love Me." It's a series of voicemail messages that she's leaving to a lover who's not responding, and they increasingly get aggressive. The best line: "Nothing's open at three in the morning but legs." This should pretty much replace "In God We Trust" on all money going forward and has officially become my middle name on Facebook, so add me!

Nicki Minaj makes a surprise cameo for the "Flawless (Remix)" dressed like a newspaper Magic Eye I used to stare at as a kid. Except instead of destroying my eyeballs, Minaj's destroys my self-esteem and most marriages.

Einstein said it best: "Love On Top" + Jackson 5 = Explosive ovaries.

This performance felt old school and new school at the same time. It was pretty much perfect.

The medley of "Upgrade U/Crazy In Love/Show Me What You Got" was as seamless as a winning design on Project Runway. But beyond the production values, it seems as though Jay is most alive during this concert when he is on stage with Beyoncé.

During a dance breakdown in the middle of "Ring the Alarm," Beyonce dusts off her boobs the way I do when I drop an uncooked gnocchi on the floor. #FiveSecondRule

"Song Cry/Resentment" AKA when Shit. Got. Rill. Not real, but rill. Like "me walking down the ethnic hair care aisle at Walgreen's and seeing that they don't carry my favorite line of shampoo anymore" rill. Jay, who is not particularly engaging as a performer, was very touching here with "Cry," but to be frank, Yoncé blows him out of the water with her rendition of "Resentment." Dressed in all white and wearing a crown of flowers that I'm telling myself are from Claire's so as to keep from crying over the fact that they're probably worth more than both of my kidneys, Beyoncé digs deep emotionally and sings this song out. Maybe it was acting; maybe she really is mad at Jay. Whatever the case may be, this is the second-best performance of the night, which leads us to the best…

Closing the concert with "Forever Young/Halo." This couple has been notoriously private, but have slowly and strategically, of course, become more open. First, with Beyonce's documentary Life Is But a Dream and now the On the Run tour. This concert film ends with these two songs as footage of their home videos plays in the background. It's tender and sweet, which something we don't see too often from their sexually-charged performances when they collaborate:

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