My First Time … Watching ‘The Dark Crystal’

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After the success of The Muppet Show and the early Muppet movies, Jim Henson embarked on an ambitious project: a fantasy epic that featured only puppets in its cast. The result, The Dark Crystal, was released in 1982 and is an ingenious and magical film. Set in a faraway land filled with strange creatures like Gelflings and Skeksis, The Dark Crystal, co-directed by Muppet performer Frank Oz, is responsible for inducing nightmares among a generation of children who saw it three decades ago. I somehow managed to miss it (I was always more of a Labyrinth kid, myself), so I thought I'd give it a shot in honor of Jim Henson's birthday (he'd be turning 78 today!).

0:53: We're not even a minute in and The Dark Crystal is living up to at least half of its title. Things are going to be pretttttty bleak.

5:54: This is Jen. He is a Gelfling, which is like an elf but with a G and a -ling attached. He is the last remaining Gelfling, after the entire race was wiped out by the evil and ugly Skeksis.

7:41: This is a Mystic. He is dying. But that doesn't stop him from giving great wisdom to Jen, and from instructing him to go find the crystal shard. (This is already getting into Lord of the Rings territory. Think of this guy as a puppet Gandalf.)

15:22: I don't want to sound like I'm Team Skeksis here, but if I looked like that I'd probably be mean and bitter, too.

19:13: After losing the Trial by Stone, Chamberlain, who sadly does not make genius mashups like this one featuring Iggy Azalea and Reba McEntire (because you know Skeksis would love Iggy), is shamed and banished from the castle. You know, how about we reconfigure our electoral process? If you lose once, you're outta here forever.

22:01: Here is the titular dark crystal, which is in the Skeksis' possession. It does all kinds of things, like shooting beams of light into their eyes during their weird ritualistic ceremonies and acting as a sort of security camera across all the land. It reveals to the Skeksis that Jen is on the prowl, which freaks them out.

23:21: Speaking of all-seeing objects that freak me out, here's an errant eyeball.

26:54: That one eye belongs to Aughra, who is some sort of awful-looking nice lady who explains to Jen some astrology mumbo jumbo. There's something to do with the Great Conjunction, which is when the three suns all line up and make everything on this planet totally nuts. It's sort of like Mercury going in retrograde, but for puppets.

28:58: Aughra pulls out her Box of Crystals and Jen plays his magic lute to figure out which one came from the Dark Crystal. This is when I realized what I hate this movie: there is no singing or Bowie, just magic lutes and crystals.

34:30: And here is when I realized that I love this movie: FIZZGIG. What the hell is that thing?!

35:06: TWIST! There's another Gelfling, and it's a girl! This is very convenient, considering how procreation works. Jen and Kira sittin' in a tree, et cetera.

46:30: While Jen was raised by Mystics, Kira was raised by Podlings, who throw one hell of a party. Meanwhile, Jen explains his quest to Kira — something about a prophecy that speaks of a Gelfling healing the world with the crystals or something or other. I dunno. The plot is getting complicated and I just like watching dancing puppets.

53:21: The Gelflings apparently were into hieroglyphics, and here's where the prophecy was foretold.

54:31: Chamberlain shows up and is like, "Hey, can we be friends?" And Kira and Jen are like, "Are you kidding? You look terrible. Go away." Chamberlain, though, seems to be the only one who realizes that it's possible for the Gelflings to complete their task without killing the Skeksis. I think this has become an allegory for geopolitical issues, but I really just wish there were more dancing.

56:16: Apparently these things are friendly creatures, and it's astounding that even the nice things in this mixed-up world are fucking terrifying.

56:40: Kira tells Fizzgig he can't come with them to the Skeksis' castle, and he throws the most adorable temper tantrum I've ever seen!

1:02:32: Apparently lady-Gelflings have wings. "I don't have wings!" Jen says, all bummed out about it. "Of course not," Kira replies, "you're a boy!" Whoa, Kira, let's cool it with the gender binary. Boys should be able to have wings if they want! (I mean, "Jen" isn't the most masculine name. Just sayin'.)

1:09:32: In a creepy Clockwork Orange-style torture device, the Skeksis try to extract Kira's "essence" (ew) so the Skeksis emperor can drink it and be youthful. Naturally, as Kira has the ability to communicate with all of the animals (sure), she's freed by the other nice puppets who are trapped in this Skeksis laboratory of horrors.

1:17:33: The Great Conjunction is happening! (All of the "buts," "ands," and "ors" are aligning together, I think?)

1:21:48: The Skeksis stab Kira and she's dead! This is a children's movie, btw.

1:22:21: Luckily, Jen manages to get the crystal shard into the Dark Crystal before the Great Conjunction happens. (I can't believe that is a sentence I just wrote, seriously.) Then all sorts of magic happens. Now it's a Light Crystal! (Not to be confused with Crystal Light, but wouldn't that be tasty?!)

1:25:21: It turns out that the whole point of the prophecy was for the Mystics and the Skeksis to magically combine (in a two-become-one kinda way, if you know what I mean) and become these supreme glowing tree things, which is kinda messed up when you consider that a whole race of Gelflings were entirely wiped out because the Skeksis didn't know about it. But hey, they brought Kira back to life, so I guess it's OK?

1:27:40: And thus, Jen and Kira can live happily ever after and do that two-become-one thing and repopulate the Gelfling race. Phew! Leave it to Jim Henson to make things absolutely terrifying and encouragingly comforting at the end same time.

Final Thoughts: Thank God I never saw this as a kid, because I think I might still be having nightmares about it. While I was initially dubious and thought it was quite lame (particularly because of the woeful lack of David Bowie's codpiece), I came around to The Dark Crystal. It may have not aged super well, especially in a post-LOTR era, but something must be said for a film made entirely with puppets. Can we get more of those, please?

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Photos: Universal Pictures

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