The key to a winning Oscar speech: Be British!

Whom to root for at the Oscars Sunday night? That's easy: the Brits.

Year after year, the Brits who win prove witty, self-deprecating, gracious and modest. The Americans tend to be triumphant, self-aggrandizing, humorless, preening, mawkish and way too excited.

The British attitude: Thanks, but nobody cured cancer here or anything.

The American approach: I'm king of the world!

Looking back at the worst Oscar speeches is basically a process of measuring how American they were. Sally Field, of course, hit the all-time, Betsy Ross level of American-ness with her hideous speech after copping 1984's Best Actress for "Places in the Heart." Field's sobbing, slobbering, therapist's-couch neediness ("You like me!") was so unctuous it made a case for Oscars becoming revocable, the way colleges take back their acceptance letters if you flunk out of second semester senior year.

Contrast her speech with Colin Firth's. Winning Best Actor for "The King's Speech" four years ago, he said, "I have a feeling my career has just peaked . . . I'm afraid I have to warn you that I'm experiencing stirrings, somewhere in the upper abdominals, which are threatening to form themselves into dance moves. Joyous as they may be for me, it would be extremely problematic if they make it to my legs before I get off stage."

British actors make fun of themselves, but Americans want to make sure you understand how massively important they are. Winning Best Actress for 2000's "Erin Brockovich," Julia Roberts addressed the conductor of the orchestra as "stick man" and ordered him to "sit" because, "I'm going to spend some time here to tell you some things," which turned out to mean a stream-of-consciousness babble of excitement that sounded like a high-school sophomore after three wine coolers.

"And I made every attempt — Stick-man, I see you. So I thank [Steven Soderbergh] for really making me feel so . . . [laughs] I love it up here! Yeah, anyway, I start working for him again in two days, so I can get to you later. But Benjamin Bratt . . . Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas, who's been my agent since God was a boy. Jeff Berg. My mom! And just Frances and Marcus and Mike and everybody who's watching at home. Kelly, Emma, everybody. I love the world! I'm so happy! Thank you!"

Stringing a sentence together: Such a challenge! Sounding intelligent posed less of a challenge for Daniel Day-Lewis. When he won Best Actor for "Lincoln" two years ago, he said modestly, "I really don't know how any of this happened. I do know that I've received so much more than my fair share of good fortune in my life.

"It's a strange thing because three years ago, before we decided to do a straight swap, I had actually been committed to play Margaret Thatcher. And Meryl was Steven's first choice for Lincoln. And I'd like to see that version. And Steven didn't have to persuade me to play Lincoln but I had to persuade him that perhaps if I was going to do it that Lincoln shouldn't be a musical."

Nicolas Cage (1995's Best Actor) looked like a hot-air balloon inflated to bursting point with self-admiration. Sean Penn (2003's Best Actor) made a clanking reference to WMDs. 1999's Best Actress Hilary Swank was a simpering bore ("everyone at Fox Searchlight for putting their wing around this small, little movie and giving us wings"). Shirley MacLaine, Best Actress of 1983, predictably got stuck in mysticism ("I don't believe there's any such thing as an accident. I think that we all manifest what we want and what we need."). Martin Landau (Best Supporting Actor of 1994) was a cranky old coot.

Yanks, study up on the speeches of Helen Mirren, Emma Thompson, Michael Caine. And let's not forget Julie Andrews, who said of her 1965 win, "I know you Americans are famous for your hospitality, but this is really ridiculous."

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