On most Sunday mornings, as the blistering sun streams through my window and I sweat out the litres of rosé still pumping through my veins, I always make the mistake of trying to cure my hangover with Instagram.
I want to be comforted with images of Kylie Jenner's spectacularly overdrawn lips, a mouth-watering burger or a pretty beach photo. But it seems I ask too much.
Instead, I'm bombarded with photos of annoyingly perfect health nuts and their impeccable, nutritious meals.
Who are these people that ferment vegetables in their spare time and prefer cacao nibs to actual chocolate? I've never actually met a real life person who enjoys drinking green cacao smoothies.
These mythical creatures must live far away in the safeland of North Bondi, spending their days making cold-pressed almond milk and avoiding contact with any form of carbohydrate.
Whoever they are, they piss me off.
These achingly beautiful Instagram feeds, filled with nourishing bowls and acai smoothies photographed perfectly next to homegrown veggie patches, haunt me as my head throbs violently.
I can't convince myself that these health nuts (sorry, 'holistic wellness coach' is not an actual job title) are being all altruistic by sharing their healthy lifestyles with thousands of people.
They're here to shame me, and my margherita pizza, and I'm over it.
These are the most annoying types of posts healthy people put on Instagram.
'Indulgences' that aren't actually indulgent.
Stop posting photos of your raw goji berry paleo ball thingos and calling them a "treat". An almond milk chai is not an indulgence, neither are nuts. Eating a packet of chips or a whole pizza is an indulgence.
It's the ultimate humblebrag – "I'm so healthy normally that having this little square of 90 per cent cocoa chocolate or raw cacao brownie is such a treat". Shut up and eat a burger.
Putting vegetables in brownies.
Sweet potatoes, beetroot and zucchini do not belong in brownies. Chocolate belongs in brownies.
Make yourself a nice little sweet potato, zucchini and beetroot salad and then bake yourself a nice little batch of normal brownies and enjoy them as a treat. Stop mixing oil and water.
Trying to "pack as many veggies as possible" into breakfast.
I follow a 'holistic wellness coach' (lol) who recently posted about her breakfast salad. Salad is not a breakfast food. No one likes salad for breakfast. It's gross. Eat a piece of toast.
Stop telling me to "seize the day."
Bikini bloggers who get paid to jetset around the world really need to stop telling me to "live each day like it's your last" at 7am on a Monday morning, while they lie on a beach in Waikiki.
Horace, the Roman poet who invented the phrase carpe diem, clearly didn't have a full time job. I'd love to carpe diem my way through a few cocktails on the beach, but sadly, I have a job I need to go to.
Substituting regular ingredients with insanely healthy alternatives.
This is a real thing that a real person posted: "I love risotto and my pumpkin quinoa risotto really hits the spot. I've used nutritional yeast instead of cheese in this one to amp up the nutrient density and it gives just the right amount of flavor to finish the dish."
I had to Google nutritional yeast (it's 'deactivated yeast', often used as a vegan cheese substitute) and I still think this is ridiculous.
I don't need to see your post-workout selfies.
I have abs too. They're just hiding.
Seriously…how long did it take you to arrange that bowl of fruit?
These people must spend more time arranging their food than actually eating it.
Who can be bothered to cut little watermelon love hearts or zigzag shaped Kiwi fruits?
Just eat the damn thing.
This article originally appeared on News.com.au.
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