My girlfriend and I had a threesome with my phone.
At least, that's what it kind of felt like trying out the new app/service called Blindfold, which bills itself as the "Siri for sex," a vast mischaracterization — for one, it's closer to a podcast, but more on that later.
Launched in February, Blindfold is a $9 monthly subscription that sends a new "episode" every month to your phone.
They're voiced by the faceless "Angelina" (trying too hard, guys), who has a serious yet sultry (and vaguely British) tone and acts as a personal trainer for couples' foreplay.
Writer Tim Donnelly and his girlfriend get adventurous in the bedroom using "Blindfold."Photo: Anne Wermiel
You also get access to a weekly "Pillow Talk" newsletter online that includes links to "A Redditor's guide to multiple orgasms for men" and a YouTube video called "Intro to Anal Sex."
The two 20-minute episodes posted so far are called "Irresistibly Tantalizing: The full body sensory tease" and "Hot & Cold: That goosebump feeling."
Founder Darren Smith describes Blindfold as his effort to make foreplay "the main event," encouraging men to slow down and appreciate the female body.
So is "Angelina" worth her gigabytes? I enlisted my girlfriend, M, whom I have been dating for just shy of a year without the help of any apps (save for Spotify and the occasional Uber-of-shame, of course).
We followed Angelina's prep instructions: blocking outside noise (not the easiest thing living on Flatbush Avenue) and burning incense to set the mood.
She suggested putting on some relaxing music — "I really enjoy Enigma," is a thing Angelina actually says; you know, that "Return to Innocence" New Age band.
We don't really enjoy Enigma, so we ended up spinning a punk rock-heavy playlist instead (thanks to Spotify, the eternal wingman).
"Lay your beautiful woman naked on the bed covered only with a bedsheet and a blindfold," the episode starts. So did our laughter.
The whole thing already sounded New Age-y, like one of those spoof therapists hipsters are always going to on shows like "Togetherness" in hopes of resparking romance.
"Sit on top of her and the sheet with the knees on the sides of her body and your butt gently resting on her pelvic area. Comfortable?" We were not really comfortable. "Let's see if you can obey my commands."
The next few minutes were a painfully slow — and, frankly, quite dull — walk-through of foreplay 101. Angelina told me to kiss M on the lips with no tongue, run my fingernails down her arms and to kiss her again, but to "style it differently."
Lay your beautiful woman naked on the bed covered only with a bedsheet and a blindfold. - Blindfold episode excerpt
At the nine-minute mark, she suggests an eskimo kiss (rubbing noses together). Not sure about you, dear reader, but we reserve eskimo kisses for grossing out people in public, not for the sexy anarchy of private quarters.
"Slowly trace circles around the nipples…" Now we're getting somewhere! "But don't touch the nipples, as tempted as you may be."
And at this point, M had had enough. "No!" she exclaimed, flinging my hands off her. "It's creepy! Who could realistically play this out loud for someone?"
I had to agree. At this point, we were only 10 minutes in — and would be asleep before we'd ever actually reap the benefits of this foreplay.
An actual "Siri for sex" would be a helpful assistant who answers your questions, like "Siri, where is the clitoris?" or even, "Oh no, Siri, did I remember to take my birth control?"
This is more like a phone-sex robo-call operator put on speaker.
The site tries to align itself with noble goals in its press materials, saying, "Many young men's sex inspiration comes from pornography. Must we say more?! This is a warped view of sex and it's not healthy for us."
I can't speak to healthy, but I can speak to a better use of your $9: renting the movie "Her" — if you're into that sort of thing.
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