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An East Village filmmaker has put together a documentary called — ready for this? — "The Dickumentary." The investigation into penises is out Tuesday on DVD and VOD.
"It's not taking itself too seriously, but at the same time, there's a lot of real information in it," says director Sofian Khan, who spent two years researching and traveling the world to film the doc.
Khan admits he long ago became desensitized to male nudity, but he wasn't completely immune.
"Some of the things I saw made me flinch — like filming the penis enlargement surgery, for example — but I've been around [penises] for a while now," he says.
Here are Khan's five favorite facts he discovered while making "The Dickumentary."
The longest junk belongs to holy men in Varanasi, India, who stretch their penises.
"They cut a hole in the tip and force a stick through it, then they forcibly stretch it," Khan says. The men can no longer get erections as a result — but that's the point. "They're giving up their sexual side as a form of worship," Khan says.
"One of the guys was older, and his was 2 feet, at least. There was a younger guy, and you could see his penis was still functional, and he was in the process of breaking it down. That was tough to watch."
In the animal kingdom, the honor for one of the largest belongs to the Argentine lake duck.
"It has a corkscrew penis that's twice the length of its body — around 17 inches," Khan says. "That would be the same as the average human having a 12-foot penis. We have a slow-motion shot in the film of the duck getting an erection. That was amazing to watch."
Khan's favorite destination: Hounen Fertility Festival in Komaki, Japan
The largest penis festival is the Hounen Fertility Festival in Komaki, Japan. Here, people carry a large wooden carving of a penis through the streets.Photo: Courtesy of "The Dickumentary"
The annual celebration draws hundreds and is rife with phallic imagery.
"We hung out with a local man whose job is to every year carve a 12-foot wooden penis out of a particular tree," the director says. "This carving is then marched through town by 42-year-old, unmarried men. It's very specific, which is what I loved about it. It's beautiful and so well-organized, and there is lots of free sake."
A group of 36-year-old women carry smaller phalluses, and they're chosen for their age, because 36, like 42, is considered an inauspicious number, and it's believed that participating in the festival will protect them.
Bigger was not necessarily better in every culture.
The ancient Greeks believed smaller penises were better.Photo: Courtesy of "The Dickumentary"
"The ancient Greeks actually thought that a smaller penis was preferable, for aesthetic reasons, but also because they believed a man's seed had less distance to travel to reach a woman's ovum," Khan says. "So it meant your offspring would be superior. Finding that out was one of those moments that challenges an assumption."
The doc also touches on religion.
"My favorite story is one that we found researching Jesus," Khan says. "He was a Jew, so we assume he was circumcised. Long after his death, there were monasteries that claimed they had holy foreskins in their possession. There were others in the church who said that couldn't be the case. So a story was created that wherever Jesus' foreskin was when he ascended into heaven, it zipped up into heaven and joined him. So he was whole again. I thought that was amazing, and we ended up animating that in the film."
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